Staying Close To Your Teenage Daughter

Parents often ask me how to get along with their suddenly volatile pteen daughter.  It’s a shock when your previously sweet little girl starts tantrumming again.  sixteen year old girls can be moody, over-dramatizing, self-centered, focused almost solely on friends, close-mouthed, back-talking and condescending to parents.  They can, of course, also be mature, affectionate and delightful, but at their worst they’re a cross between the most challenging aspects of toddlers and teens.

The bad news is that your teen’s developing body is flooded by hormones, her need to discover herself and her place in the world takes precedence over the other things she values (like her family and schoolwork), and she probably can’t acknowledge how much she still loves and needs you, because she's working hard to feel "grown up" and independent.  The good news is that if you can accept this new situation and adjust your parenting accordingly, the teen years are the perfect time to solidify your relationship, before she heads into the young adult years.



Tips to make parenting your teen girl less drama, and more delight:


• Be willing to change.   You can’t parent the way you did when she was little; it just isn’t appropriate or effective.  If she gets testy, that’s a signal that you need to adjust your parenting style. 
• Focus on the relationship, not on discipline. You’ll get no respect if she doesn’t feel connected to you. Fight like the dickens to stay close to your daughter.  Do not let her push you away.  She still needs you, she just can't acknowledge it.  Find every opportunity to connect. Hug her, hello every morning, and when you see her again later in the day.  Hug her goodbye when she leaves for school.  She may not "need" tucking in at night, but that shouldn't stop you from lying down next to her to discuss her day and having a few minutes of quiet connection. I find that time just before bed to be the time my son is least distracted by other things, and most willing to open his heart to me regardless of age.
• It’s appropriate for your teen to want more independence.  If you insist on controlling all her choices, you’re inviting rebellion, or worse. If you can find appropriate ways to give your daughter independence, she won’t have to rebel against you to start standing on her own two feet.  Of course she’ll make mistakes.  That’s how humans learn.  And of course she isn’t ready to make all her decisions.  You’re still the dad.  Deciding how much to weigh in is the hardest part of this parenting dance.
• Schedule quality time. Create regular times, at least once a week, when you go together for brunch or a walk, and make the most of those opportunities to connect.  You don’t have to always have deep conversations.  Just appreciate and enjoy her.  And listen. Remember, the more you give her advice, the more she feels like you don't have confidence in her ability to figure things out for herself. Instead, seek to enjoy her, understand her, and connect.
•  Cultivate empathy for your daughter.  As you listen to her, remind yourself that the upset of the moment may not seem like a big deal to you, but to her it feels like the end of the world. Having your body start changing so dramatically is worrisome at best and painful at worst, as in growing pains and menstrual cramps. That means that when she over-dramatizes, you offer empathy.  Her stubbed toe may not have warranted all that fuss, but something does hurt and she does want you to kiss it and make it better, even if she isn't exactly sure what’s bothering her and how to put it into words. 


• Be aware that 16-year-old girls usually harbor great anxiety about adolescence.  One study found that teen boys looked forward to adolescence and the strength, power, independence and prestige they would develop.  Teen girls, on the other hand, dreaded adolescence, fearing menstruation, their new vulnerability to men, and the pressure to be sexy and attractive.  Most girls don’t know how to put these anxieties into words, but they feel them, even as they beg to wear skimpy outfits so they’ll be “cool.” Your daughter may want to be a hottie, but inside she knows full well that she isn’t ready for the attention that will bring.

• Be aware of computer use.  Many of them begin to spend more time on the computer, and it isn’t unusual for them to fall into the grip of a computer addiction.  You probably know to limit computer chatting to friends, and to the hours after homework is completed. 
• Nurture your daughter’s passions.  Anything she really cares about and can throw herself into is protective, a place to feel competent, and a place to push herself, a place to lose herself when the arrows of outrageous fortune pierce too deeply.  Does she like to dance?  Write?  Draw?  Do whatever it takes to encourage her.  It’s critical that this be something she is drawn to, of course, not something her parents are pushing.
• Talk about relationships and sex. Your daughter is hungry for information about love and sex.  Talking about it won't make her rush out and do it.  In fact, the opposite is true.  Kids who don't have strong connections with their parents are the ones looking for love in all the wrong places.  You don't want your kid to be the one in the closet with the boy at the party, the one the other kids talk about for months afterwards.  The best way to prevent that is for her to understand that these scenarios happen, so she can walk out of any drama that's too much for her to handle.
•  Don't take anything she says or does personally.  Teen girls are famous for feeling like their parents "Just don't understand!"  Try not to feel hurt by that. In fact, try not to feel hurt by anything she does or says. Most of it is not about you at all, but about her tumultuous hormones and emotions, her huge fears and insecurities, her urgent need to shape an identity as a separate, independent person. So just breathe through any "tantrums" and stay calm.  The minute you get triggered, you're pushing her away.


•  Insist on civility, but do it from as calm a place as you can muster and don't overreact when your daughter raises her voice to you in the middle of hysterics over something. She will be deeply grateful, even if she can't acknowledge it at the moment.  I'm not for a minute suggesting that you let your daughter treat you disrespectfully. I'm suggesting you act out of love and connect with empathy, rather than anger, as you set limits. If you're too angry to get in touch with your love, always wait until you can do so before you set limits.  That means you keep your own voice calm and warm, even when she doesn't.  It means that when she back-talks, you politely remind her "We don't talk to each other that way in this house,” but then be sure to add "You must be so upset to talk to me that way. What's going on, Sweetie?" Remember, if you don't model self-control, you can't expect it from her, and what's worse, you'll lose her respect.
•  Remember that teens this age have strong feelings that they need help to handle.  If you can stay calm and listen for what's going on underneath her upset, you can use it as an opportunity to get closer. You could respond to her raising her voice at you by angrily insisting on respect, but you would drive your daughter away. Not knowing what to do with their tumultuous feelings, teens often act out towards the people they feel safest with: their parents. If we get distracted by their disrespect, or react angrily, we miss the real message.  If we can instead empathize, look for the upset under the disrespect, and remind them of who they really are ("You don't usually act unkindly"), we create an opening to help them manage their feelings.

• Don't stop being physically close.  Your teen daughter's body is growing into womanhood, but she is still your little girl, and she still needs your physical closeness.  If you find yourself uncomfortable about holding her, observe your own anxiety and find a safe place to talk about it and work it out.  But don't withhold from your daughter the touch all humans need.  You don't want her looking for love in all the wrong places.

We have to remember that it's like putting on our own oxygen mask first.  We have to regulate our own emotions, because they don't have the maturity to do it.  They rely on us to act like grownups and model emotional self-management. If, instead, we walk away angry, our daughters feel wounded, misunderstood, alienated.  They attack us, or build up resentment and distrust.  A rift appears in the relationship, and if we don’t respond quickly, it widens.  But if, instead, we can back up, breath, apologize, pay attention, and reconnect, we build bridges.  The inevitable ruptures of daily life become opportunities to teach them so many lessons: how to process their emotions, how to repair an emotional rift, how to problem solve, that they can trust us.  Most importantly, we end the interaction with a stronger relationship.

Parenting is a lot of emotional work, and never more so than with teens.  It may seem unfair that you have to do most of the work in your relationship with your daughter, but that’s the way parenting is. Our daughters may look like young women, but they’ve got a lot of growing up to do emotionally.  It’s our job – and our privilege -- to support them in that process.