My 5 year old daughter is hitting, pushing and being aggressive at school...Help!

Aggressive behaviour’s need to change and despite the labels, parents need to change, too.  It may feel daunting because of the demands that are placed on you every day, but if you don’t respond to your daughter’s aggressive behaviour, things may get worse.  The good news is your daughter should soon outgrow most of her aggressive behaviour.  At age 5, her language skills are pretty developed, as she's discovering that she can use words instead of fists and feet to solve her problems. She’s also learning from trial and error that she gets better results from talking out a dispute than she does from whacking a friend at school with a toy.  In the meantime, you still need to guide your daughter to a relatively aggression-free approach to life — and keep an eye out for deeper issues that could be at play.

The way you handle your child may change from age to age, stage to stage. Here are some tips to help you now.

 1. Be Consistent:  For younger children, the key is to be consistent. No matter where you are or what you’re doing, try to be consistent. If your child has a problem with hitting, pushing, being aggressive with other playmates do your best to make sure you respond quickly and in the same way every time.

2. Timeout:  Sometimes you need to take your child out of a situation to help her regain control of her emotions. Try to respond immediately when you see your child is getting aggressive, so she'll know instantly that she's done something wrong. Remove her from the situation for a brief time out, for your daughter, five minutes is enough time for her to rethink her behaviour.  You might also consider cutting short a privilege in response to aggressive outbursts (15 fewer minutes of TV time, for instance), the idea is to do the same thing every time, so she understands that the loss of TV time is directly related to her behaviour.


3. Coordinate with the teacher:  It’s important to remember that misbehaviours, occur mostly at school. It’s part of the way kids learn to get along with each other, but you need to deal with it immediately if your child is aggressive. You also need to coordinate your intervention with the teacher so that you’re both consistent. Check in with the teacher regularly to make sure that the behaviour is improving. Her teacher will have mediated any dispute during the school day, and will help you better understand any situation.


 4.  Talk it out:  After a bad day at school calmly discuss what happened. Ask if she can explain what triggered her outburst.  Explain that it's perfectly natural to get angry sometimes, but it's not okay to shove, hit, kick, or bite. 
I like teaching children this by reading an educational story book I find its very helpful, you can help your daughter better understand by reading books together on relevant topics. 



5.  Limit TV time:  Innocent-looking cartoons and other children's shows are often full of shouting, shoving, and hitting. So try to monitor the programs your child sees by watching them with her, particularly given her history.  If something happens on a show that you don't approve of, talk to him about it: "Did you see how that boy pushed his friend to get what he wanted? That wasn't a very good thing to do, was it?" I recommend your daughter see no more than an hour or two of "quality" television a day.



6.  Don't be afraid to seek help:  Some kids have more trouble with aggression than others do. If your daughter’s behaviour is frequent and severe, and it’s interring with school or other activities, you should speak to the principle of the school. Together you can try to get to the root of the problem and decide if a child psychologist is needed.  A psychologist can help your youngster work through the emotions that tend to lead to aggression, and learn to control them in the future. 

Dealing with aggression in a child is unsettling and demands great patience. Good luck.