My ten year-old son is so unmotivated.

My 10 –year-old son is so unmotivated.  I can’t get him to get out of bed in time for school.  I can’t get him to brush his teeth.  He’s always late to school!  He doesn’t do his homework.  I just don’t know what to do.

Children live with the constant expectation that they follow the rules set for them by authority figures.  Often, they feel the need to gain control over their lives, and at times they will resort to resistance as a way of asserting their independence and authority.

Below are several ways to deal with your son:

·         Tame your anxiety. Children will often get caught up in a power struggle: you push, and they resist. Your anxiety about the consequences of their actions will only teach them how to appease or resist you. Instead of focusing on themselves and finding an internal motivation, they will be trained to react to you. Calm down and take a step back.

·         Create inspiration.  Change your behaviors so that you can be a positive role model for your son. Your child will resist if you are too controlling, so instead of trying to exert control over his behavior, try to guide and mold his behavior by example.

·         Let your son face consequences of his actions. If your son does not do his homework, don’t do it for him. Let him deal with the negative consequences in school. If he doesn’t get out of bed, let him get in trouble for coming to school late. In this way, you will be allowing him to take responsibility for his actions.

·         Erase the guilt. Your child’s lack of motivation is most probably not an outgrowth of your lack of trying. He is free to make his own decisions, fail, and accept the consequences.

·         Look for his strengths.  Is he really creative? Athletic? Generous? Whatever his strength is, make the most of it. Sign him up for an afterschool activity that he will excel in. This will not only help him gain confidence, but will also introduce him to children his own age who share his passion. He will gain self-esteem and self-confidence, which will naturally boost his motivation.

Perhaps the most important piece of advice I can give you is that no child is truly unmotivated. It’s simply a matter of decoding the child’s behavior and figuring out the best way to help him realize his true potential.