I don't know how to get my child to stop lying. We have tried very hard to teach high moral standards. The more I punish him, the more he lies. I'm really worried

Understanding You’re Child, Yourself, and the Situation

I have searched and searched and can't find a single adult who never told a lie as a child. Actually I cannot find any adults who never lie now. I’m not making this point to justify lying, but to show that children who lie are not defective or immoral. We need to deal with the reasons children lie before we can help them give up their need to lie. Usually children lie for the same reasons adults do, they feel trapped, are scared of punishment or rejection, feel threatened, or just think lying will make things easier for everyone. Often lying is a sign of low self-esteem. People think they need to make themselves look better because they don't know they are good enough as they are.

Suggestions

·       Stop asking set-up questions that invite lying. A set-up question is one to which you already know the answer. "Did you clean your room?" Instead say, "I notice you didn't clean your room. Would you like to work on a plan for cleaning it?"

·       Focus on solutions to problems instead of blame. "What should we do about getting the chores done?" instead of, "Did you do your chores?"

·       Be honest yourself. Say, "That doesn't sound like the truth to me. Most of us don't tell the truth when we are feeling trapped, scared, or threatened in some way. Why don't we take some time off from this right now? Later I'll be available if you would like to share with me what is going on for you."

·       Respect your children's privacy when they don't want to share with you.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

·       Help children believe that mistakes are opportunities to learn so they won't believe they are bad and need to cover up their mistakes.

·       Set an example in telling the truth. Share with your children times when it was difficult for you to tell the truth, but you decided it was more important to experience the consequences and keep your self-respect. Be sure this is honest sharing instead of a lecture.

·       Let children know they are unconditionally loved. Many children lie because they are afraid the truth will disappoint their parents. Show appreciation. "Thank you for telling the truth. I know that was difficult. I admire the way you are willing to face the consequences, and I know you can handle them and learn from them."

·       Stop trying to control children. Many children lie so they can find out who they are and do what they want to do. At the same time, they are trying to please their parents by making them think they are doing what they are supposed to do.

Life Skills Children Can Learn

Children can learn that it is safe to tell the truth in their family. Even when they forget that, they are reminded with gentleness and love. They can learn that their parents care about their fears and mistaken beliefs and will help them overcome them.

Parenting Pointers

·       Many children lie to protect themselves from judgment and criticism because the believe it when adults say they are bad. Of course they want to avoid this kind of pain.

·       Remember that who your child is now is not who your child will be forever. If your child tells a lie, don't overreact to the behavior by calling your child a liar.

·       Focus on building closeness and trust in the relationship instead of on the behavior problem. This is usually the quickest way to diminish the behavior that you find objectionable.

My ten year-old son is so unmotivated.

My 10 –year-old son is so unmotivated.  I can’t get him to get out of bed in time for school.  I can’t get him to brush his teeth.  He’s always late to school!  He doesn’t do his homework.  I just don’t know what to do.

Children live with the constant expectation that they follow the rules set for them by authority figures.  Often, they feel the need to gain control over their lives, and at times they will resort to resistance as a way of asserting their independence and authority.

Below are several ways to deal with your son:

·         Tame your anxiety. Children will often get caught up in a power struggle: you push, and they resist. Your anxiety about the consequences of their actions will only teach them how to appease or resist you. Instead of focusing on themselves and finding an internal motivation, they will be trained to react to you. Calm down and take a step back.

·         Create inspiration.  Change your behaviors so that you can be a positive role model for your son. Your child will resist if you are too controlling, so instead of trying to exert control over his behavior, try to guide and mold his behavior by example.

·         Let your son face consequences of his actions. If your son does not do his homework, don’t do it for him. Let him deal with the negative consequences in school. If he doesn’t get out of bed, let him get in trouble for coming to school late. In this way, you will be allowing him to take responsibility for his actions.

·         Erase the guilt. Your child’s lack of motivation is most probably not an outgrowth of your lack of trying. He is free to make his own decisions, fail, and accept the consequences.

·         Look for his strengths.  Is he really creative? Athletic? Generous? Whatever his strength is, make the most of it. Sign him up for an afterschool activity that he will excel in. This will not only help him gain confidence, but will also introduce him to children his own age who share his passion. He will gain self-esteem and self-confidence, which will naturally boost his motivation.

Perhaps the most important piece of advice I can give you is that no child is truly unmotivated. It’s simply a matter of decoding the child’s behavior and figuring out the best way to help him realize his true potential.

Πάει για Νόμπελ 14χρονος με αυτισμό

Στα δύο του χρόνια, ο Jacob Barnett διαγνώστηκε με Σύνδρομο Asperger, μια πάθηση που ανήκει στις Διαταραχές του Αυτιστικού Φάσματος, διότι όπως και ο κλασικός αυτισμός είναι μια αναπτυξιακή διαταραχή που επηρεάζει τον τρόπο επικοινωνίας και τις σχέσεις ενός ατόμου με το περιβάλλον του. Οι γιατροί είχαν ανακοινώσει ότι δεν θα μπορεί να δέσει ούτε τα κορδόνια των παπουτσιών του μόνος του. Και έπεσαν πέρα για πέρα έξω. Σήμερα, ο Jacob που διαθέτει δείκτη ευφυΐας υψηλότερο του Αϊνστάιν (170), κάνει το Master του στην Αστροφυσική στο πανεπιστήμιο Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis (IUPUI) και είναι ένας από τους πλέον ελπιδοφόρους ερευνητές στον τομέα της κβαντικής φυσικής, σε ηλικία μόλις 14 ετών.

Ο 14χρονος, έχει φτάσει ένα βήμα πριν καταρρίψει τη θεωρία της σχετικότητας του Αϊνστάιν, ενώ έχει αποκτήσει και έμμισθη θέση ερευνητή στο πανεπιστήμιο που φοιτά. Σύμφωνα με τον ίδιο, βρίσκεται πλέον μερικές μαθηματικές εξισώσεις μακριά από το να αποδείξει ως λαθεμένη τη θεωρία της σχετικότητας, ενώ πρόκειται να επιχειρήσει να αντικρούσει και τη θεωρία του Big Bang. «Ακόμα δουλεύω πάνω σε αυτό. Έχω μία ιδέα, αλλά εξακολουθώ να εργάζομαι στις λεπτομέρειες», δήλωσε ο ίδιος. Ένα επίτευγμα που αν καταφέρει τελικά να το φέρει εις πέρας, αναμένεται να του χαρίσει μια θέση στο πάνθεον της ιστορίας και ενδεχομένως, το βραβείο Νόμπελ. Καθηγητές από το Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton επιβεβαιώνουν άλλωστε πως βρίσκεται στο σωστό δρόμο.»Έχω εντυπωσιαστεί από το ενδιαφέρον και τις γνώσεις που κατέχει μέχρι στιγμής», επισήμανε ο καθηγητής Scott Tremaine, ο οποίος με mail του στην οικογένεια του Barnett, ενημέρωσε τον ίδιο και τους οικείους του πως αν τελικά τα καταφέρει, εκείνος θα στηρίξει την υποψηφιότητα του για το βραβείο.

Ο 14χρονος μπορούσε λύνει παζλ 5.000 κομματιών από την ηλικία των τριών και στα δέκα του χρόνια εγκατέλειψε το σχολείο για να μπει στο Πανεπιστήμιο. Σε πρόσφατη ομιλία του στο TEDx Teen, είχε δηλώσει με αφοπλιστική ειλικρίνεια: «Κανονικά δεν θα έπρεπε να βρίσκομαι εδώ τώρα. Οι ειδικοί είχαν πει πως δεν θα κατάφερνα καν να μιλήσω. Προφανώς κάποιοι τραβάνε τα μαλλιά τους τώρα». Η μητέρα του, Kristine Barnett έχει γράψει βιβλίο για την μέχρι σήμερα ιστορία του μικρού, το οποίο κυκλοφορεί στην Ελλάδα από τις εκδόσεις «Ψυχογιός». 

Η οικογένεια του μικρού, έχει ιδρύσει και λειτουργεί υπό την επιμέλεια της, το ίδρυμα Jacob’s Place για αυτιστικά παιδιά. Η μητέρα του, με το βιβλίο της αλλά και τη συνολική της δράση, έχει σαν στόχο της να ευαισθητοποιήσει την κοινή γνώμη για τα παιδιά που παρουσιάζουν αυτισμό. Η ίδια δήλωσε πρόσφατα: «Ο Jacob παλεύει με το πρόβλημα του κάθε μέρα και μας έχει στο πλάι του, όπως πρέπει να κάνει κάθε γονιός για το παιδί του. Έχει συνειδητοποιήσει τα προβλήματα του και τα πολεμάει με δύναμη ψυχής».