Children and "The Sex Talk"

I must admit that I was not thrilled to have “The Talk” with my then 9-year-old son, but I knew it was necessary. Although I try to protect him from content I deem inappropriate, I cannot be with him at all times. Kids at school will talk, billboards will prompt questions (strip clubs seem to have unlimited advertising budgets), and TV commercials will force your hand.  Because of these influences, I realized that I could wait no longer to talk to my son about sex.

As parents, we must take control of these discussions and have them early and often.

7 Tips to help you teach your son about sex

1. Gauge Readiness – As a parent, you know your child better than anyone else. Only you can tell if your child is ready to discuss sex. The fact that he has started asking questions there is not time as the present.  I decided to have the talk with my 9-year-old son because I remembered what things were like for me when I was his age. I decided to arm my son with a proper foundation and accurate information. Also, I’m cognizant of the fact that he is approaching puberty and I want him to be prepared to deal with his body’s changes. Keep in mind that each child is different. Some are more mature than others and better able to process this information. If your son is asking you questions about sex, he is probably ready for you to have a conversation that is appropriate for his maturity level.

2. Prepare yourself – You may not be ready to have the talk with your younger children, but you must be prepared. You can talk to other parents, read books and my blogs that offer more detailed advice. To prepare myself, I did research online, and purchased a set of books to help facilitate my discussion. Arming myself with knowledge made me feel much more confidant.

3. Remove Distractions – On the day of your talk, take your son to a room in the house, closed the door, and have a one-on-one conversation. You or your husband.  Perhaps its better your husband “man-to-man” You can be with your daughter so you don’t disturb them. It is a special moment for them. Try to create an environment that is free from distractions and conducive to openness.

4. Be Open and Honest – Although it was uncomfortable, I spoke frankly about sex, pregnancy, birth, and puberty. While I had his attention, I also told him about the dangers of sexual abuse and gave him some tips on how to protect himself. I watched his expressions while we talked and I noticed that he was a bit shell-shocked at times, but he handled the conversation with maturity and aplomb. Parents often want to shield their kids from the truth because they believe their children can’t handle it. I’ve learned that kids are often more sophisticated than we give them credit for. Your candor will help to build trust and show them that you mean it when tell them that they can discuss anything with you. It also helps eliminate the embarrassment associated with sex.

5. Ask for Questions and Feedback – When I finished my prepared statements, I asked my son if he had any questions. He had plenty. I patiently answered each one. I also asked him if he already knew any of this information. He told me about some of the conversations the kids have at school. I corrected the misinformation and told him to come to me when we want’s to know the truth. I gave him the book to read on his own and told him to come back later after he’s had a change to soak up the information.

6. Let Your Child Know That You Are Available – After our talk, I told my son that he could always come to me when he had questions about sex. It is very important to honor this promise. If you turn your child away when he has questions, the bond of trust will be broken and you may have a difficult time mending it.

7. Understand that this is the first in a series of conversations about sex – Parents breathe a sigh of relief after they’ve finished “The Talk.” However, the first talk is only one in a series of talks that we need to have with our kids. A 9-year olds understanding of sex is much different than 13 year olds or 17 year olds. We need to have an ongoing conversation in order to correct misconceptions and instill our values. Most of all, we need to build trust with our kids. If they feel as if they can trust us, they will bring their most sensitive issues to us.

The final message I left with my son was that it was not his responsibility to share this information with his friends and classmates. I let him know that it is the parents’ responsibility to talk to their children about sex.

I gave my son a big hug and kissed him on the forehead. I wanted to hold him forever and keep him from growing up. But I know that he will not be a little boy forever. My son will be a man before I know it, and I’m glad that I was able to equip him with some knowledge that will help him on his journey.

Stay Strong.