Children and "The Sex Talk"

I must admit that I was not thrilled to have “The Talk” with my then 9-year-old son, but I knew it was necessary. Although I try to protect him from content I deem inappropriate, I cannot be with him at all times. Kids at school will talk, billboards will prompt questions (strip clubs seem to have unlimited advertising budgets), and TV commercials will force your hand.  Because of these influences, I realized that I could wait no longer to talk to my son about sex.

As parents, we must take control of these discussions and have them early and often.

7 Tips to help you teach your son about sex

1. Gauge Readiness – As a parent, you know your child better than anyone else. Only you can tell if your child is ready to discuss sex. The fact that he has started asking questions there is not time as the present.  I decided to have the talk with my 9-year-old son because I remembered what things were like for me when I was his age. I decided to arm my son with a proper foundation and accurate information. Also, I’m cognizant of the fact that he is approaching puberty and I want him to be prepared to deal with his body’s changes. Keep in mind that each child is different. Some are more mature than others and better able to process this information. If your son is asking you questions about sex, he is probably ready for you to have a conversation that is appropriate for his maturity level.

2. Prepare yourself – You may not be ready to have the talk with your younger children, but you must be prepared. You can talk to other parents, read books and my blogs that offer more detailed advice. To prepare myself, I did research online, and purchased a set of books to help facilitate my discussion. Arming myself with knowledge made me feel much more confidant.

3. Remove Distractions – On the day of your talk, take your son to a room in the house, closed the door, and have a one-on-one conversation. You or your husband.  Perhaps its better your husband “man-to-man” You can be with your daughter so you don’t disturb them. It is a special moment for them. Try to create an environment that is free from distractions and conducive to openness.

4. Be Open and Honest – Although it was uncomfortable, I spoke frankly about sex, pregnancy, birth, and puberty. While I had his attention, I also told him about the dangers of sexual abuse and gave him some tips on how to protect himself. I watched his expressions while we talked and I noticed that he was a bit shell-shocked at times, but he handled the conversation with maturity and aplomb. Parents often want to shield their kids from the truth because they believe their children can’t handle it. I’ve learned that kids are often more sophisticated than we give them credit for. Your candor will help to build trust and show them that you mean it when tell them that they can discuss anything with you. It also helps eliminate the embarrassment associated with sex.

5. Ask for Questions and Feedback – When I finished my prepared statements, I asked my son if he had any questions. He had plenty. I patiently answered each one. I also asked him if he already knew any of this information. He told me about some of the conversations the kids have at school. I corrected the misinformation and told him to come to me when we want’s to know the truth. I gave him the book to read on his own and told him to come back later after he’s had a change to soak up the information.

6. Let Your Child Know That You Are Available – After our talk, I told my son that he could always come to me when he had questions about sex. It is very important to honor this promise. If you turn your child away when he has questions, the bond of trust will be broken and you may have a difficult time mending it.

7. Understand that this is the first in a series of conversations about sex – Parents breathe a sigh of relief after they’ve finished “The Talk.” However, the first talk is only one in a series of talks that we need to have with our kids. A 9-year olds understanding of sex is much different than 13 year olds or 17 year olds. We need to have an ongoing conversation in order to correct misconceptions and instill our values. Most of all, we need to build trust with our kids. If they feel as if they can trust us, they will bring their most sensitive issues to us.

The final message I left with my son was that it was not his responsibility to share this information with his friends and classmates. I let him know that it is the parents’ responsibility to talk to their children about sex.

I gave my son a big hug and kissed him on the forehead. I wanted to hold him forever and keep him from growing up. But I know that he will not be a little boy forever. My son will be a man before I know it, and I’m glad that I was able to equip him with some knowledge that will help him on his journey.

Stay Strong.

Twin girls aged two. One is very naughty and cries all the time, the other is very quiet. How to best deal with this situation?

Many behaviour issues are related to rivalry or competition amongst multiples who seem born to bicker. It even has a ‘name’, Twin Escalation Syndrome, the tendency of multiples to intensify and expand their behaviours in reaction to each other.

Simply put, one twin cries so the other cries louder, making the first cry louder still and so on. Similar situations occur with behaviour. One twin thinks it’s funny to slurp his drink and does so for attention. The second twin, to divert the attention to him, will blow bubbles into his drink and so it goes.

Twins will always compete for attention and it should be dealt with in the same way, as you would treat any naughtiness. And the quickest and simplest resolution, at least on a temporary level, is to separate them. This only works if each twin has someone to escalate with. 

At your daughter’s age, the easiest way to stop a tantrum is to simply divert their attention. Rotate their activity; bring out their favourite toys, some crayons or sit them in front of a new DVD.  You can also try changing rooms. Even a change of scene from downstairs to upstairs can be enough to stop the situation before it escalates.

Better yet, enlist some help. Relatives, grandparents or cousin’s make great playmates because they’re NEW! Five minutes of hide and seek with their older cousins is sure to make them forget their troubles. It will also give you a chance to have a break and quiet time!

Establishing a Bedtime Routine is vital for all families, but particularly where twins are involved. Encourage calm before bed by reading a story, talking quietly about their day and giving them a cuddle. Try to make time for each of your daughters individually - a couple of minutes of one to one time before bed is important for both you and your girls.

With multiple children, it’s tempting to focus on whoever is shouting the loudest. The trouble with this approach is that your daughters quickly learn that tantrums are an easy way to get your attention. Worse still, your quiet daughter will miss out on the attention she needs. So, before you focus on the screamer, tend to your calm child first, make sure she is content and that she knows you’re pleased with her good behaviour.

Sleep is undoubtedly one of the biggest issues for twins. All families with twins will tell a similar story – the first six months are likely to be a blur of sleepless nights, grumpy parents and restless toddlers. Most probably when one of your children is sleeping, the other is awake and crying for you or dad… a mad dash by parents inevitably ensues to prevent the other twin waking up.

Relax! Twins quickly grow accustomed to each other’s presence, you’ll find they often don’t wake each other up. If one of your twins wakes after only a few hours, experiment by leaving her to cry for a little while instead of rushing in to comfort her. The other twin may well sleep through the crying, or if she wakes, she might be just enough comfort for the first twin to go back to sleep.

Remember, you’ll parent better if you keep yourselves healthy and well rested. My advice is to just let them get used to it. People are scared of that with twins, but it’s the only way to do it.”

It’s simply not possible to stimulate twins all day on your own. Try to take your children out every day – even if it’s just to the local park or end of the street. Keeping two children in tow can be challenging, to say the least, so please try my techniques. Keep your mind open to them if other strategies have failed.

If it all seems too much, remember that toddler walks can be as simple as picking flowers in the garden or going next door to pat the cat.

Try these simple steps but please stick to them and in time you will see your daughter calmer.  Stay strong and good luck!!

My son has been falsely accused of stealing at school, although the culprit has been found. He is teased and the children are calling him a thief. What should I do to deal with this situation?

Stealing is unacceptable in any school or classroom and the behaviour requires zero tolerance as it infringes the right of pupils and staff to feel safe.

The reasons why this child stole in your son’s class and why many children choose to steal are many and varied and these must be revealed and understood in order to stop on-going stealing.  I highly recommend you speak to the teacher and school principal again. They need to establish a POSITIVE ethos in the school. A good idea would be to have a topic on ‘stealing’ a statement by children, teachers, all school members…“We are a safe school, we respect people and their belongings and nobody takes what is not theirs in our school.” Implying pride in themselves and the school.  This will most certainly help with your son’s situation. 

The school needs to set ground rules in the classroom about taking, borrowing, damaging others property – individuals and the school community.  In order to prevent the stealing continuing, the perpetrator needs to face the possible reasons for their misbehaviour.  I can understand your concern and that’s why you have a right to offer ideas on prevention to the principle as a concerned mother.

Every year it seems I always have a few incidences in my class where someone steels something.  I offer classroom discussions this can be a valuable process for students to consider the implications of stealing, taking, or damaging others’ property – individual or community, and best given through case studies. e.g. Pedros found some money on the school ground and popped it into his pocket. Maria wanted a pretty scarf she saw everyone admiring on the new girl. She stole one from the shop. They discuss such issues and then state what they have learned from their discussions.  This will bring better awareness to the other children in the class and again help with your son’s situation.

Support your child.  Talk to him and help him understand explain to him the situation as honestly as you can.  Let him know you are proud of him for being a big boy in this frustrating time.  This will pass but keep a close eye.  Make a point every few days until the situation passes to follow up with the class teacher.